Ok you may be familiar with similar personalties, but let me introduce you to two friends, Nina and Bob. They are as opposite as night and day, marmite and cheese, sea and sand, donkey and Shrek etc etc I could go on. Opposites but you can’t have one without the other.
Nina is that adorable friend who is so soft mannered and really believes in true love, happy ever afters and is always seeing the good in others. Nina is just a sweetheart.
And then there’s Bob or BulldozerBob as I like to call him.
Bob can be negative, loud, logical/pessimistic but deep down, he is actually a good guy who is just trying to protect you and keep you safe.
Usually, they are aligned and sing off the same page, or maybe it’s just that Bob is so over-powering that Nina just doesn’t put up much of a fight.
Usually, but not this time.
The two have disagreed, having declared war and have torn me apart in the process. Ok… so Bob is the Brain and Nina is the heart (I couldn’t think of a name with H, well that I liked).
So why has this happened? I’ve been feeling uneasy and a little scared, me being me, this means bolt from home, from life, and from Jack. Just run and gather myself elsewhere.
Now the running is not because I don’t love him. It’s the complete opposite in fact. It’s because I am terrified, petrified actually. I’m running because of him, if that make sense? I can picture being happy no matter what happens in life and that just feels insane.
I have learnt some very dark truths about myself through all this uneasy stressy feeling. Forcing me to go back to when I had ‘guidelines’ that I never questioned, until recently when I realised that I was trying to physically force myself to follow them.
Please, don’t judge me but they were as follows:
- Never go for the guy I really liked (there was a ranking system)
- Always maintain power by not giving up my power (not letting others in, really)
- Care the least (surprisingly easy)
- Turn the emotions switch off (yes, I actually pictured a switch in my mind somewhere)
Now all of which would result in me leaving eventually (well, duh i was never really invested).
Trust me, I know that this is all sick and crazy and the question always comes up, ‘why would you want to live, feeling half?’. I’ll share a quote which I believe explains it well “Our brains are wired for connection, but trauma rewires them for protection”.
Anyways, unwillingly (screaming and crying) I ignored the ‘guidelines’ or “habits”, for Jack. In all honesty I did try to follow them but I was sort of powerless.
Being a lone wolf, free spirit, ice queen 🙄was great! I was never really invested and therefore would never get hurt, I was prepared for the eventual failing.
Basically, I was just a scared little bitch.
Firstly, the switch conveniently vanished, I couldn’t turn the emotions off! This sucked. And as much as I tried to stay away, it was impossible, it might have to do with the fact that we worked together. The weird feelings that I disliked were around every corner, you know, like jealousy, caring what they thought and were they they thinking of you, waiting for text, clingy. I hated what I became!
But the panic truly set when we discussed the future, not just that, we decided to quit our jobs and work on our online endeavours to travel the world – together- forever. It’s been a month, no job, no money and everything I picture feels like it’s further away.
The reason for the panic is not because of lack of finance, but it’s because the dream and the life we picture is something I have never wanted more. My heart is literally full of happiness and rainbows 🤢.
Now, weirdly my little heart is content with being penniless and wondering the earth with Jack, I’m not stressed about that.
It’s about the free falling and relying on another. This is where the battle commences and continues.
BulldozerBob is constantly thinking of ways to do what is stress free and natural, which is run and be self reliant. Playing the same thoughts over and over again “He’s going to hurt you” “Do you really deserve this” “You’ll fuck up eventually” “Does he mean it” blah blah blah.
Bob likes to overthink and regularly reminds me that life can turn to shit, in any moment.
This is the first time my head and heart are hard up at war with each other.
I’ve even tried to get space for a week to rebuild walls and try to bring my care and love under control. Issues 🚨 But it hasn’t really worked, I’m just a miserable asshole, who cant stop texting.
The thing is I’m constantly going back and forth on this.
- If I care? Is it that I care too much and the person takes advantage.
- Do I loose my sense of self by loving someone so much that I enjoy their company.
- Or if I let go am I just opening myself up to a potential liar, who will have no issue in ruining my life.
The thing is I know being vulnerable is brave and I wish I was like that, but for me it’s a daily struggle, if I let someone in, theres still something telling me to be careful.
Will it ever go away? I don’t know.
The brain is so powerful but it’s protection is primitive and designed to get you out of the uncomfortable and what it believes will cause you stress/harm. Sometimes it can be helpful, don’t get me wrong, like when you have a feeling getting into a strangers car in the middle of the night or feel wary walking down a dark alley – the whole body tends to be in agreement.
But, there is a difference when the brain over exaggerates or runs various scenarios and you can feel there is an internal struggle. I personally read “Getting clarity when the head and heart disagree” which was the first time anything explained this inner conflict I was experiencing so well.
Sometimes life calls for us to side with one or the other. With my situation its not so much a choice as leaving would just make me miserable and regret not having tried, but I needed to look into why I was wired believing that happiness does not last, the loving cuddles fade and the safe feeling is like a Venus fly trap.
The thing is you can’t run forever. One day you have to ask yourself the hard questions. I meditated on it for a while, sometimes my meditation is laying on the floor staring out a window watching the rain for HOURS and pushing past the repetitive answers I give myself, yes, we run from ourselves internally too.
The fact is, when we love someone it’s about a surrender of the ego, the courage of letting walls down and the freedom to dive in eyes shut, just feeling it.
Repeating part of the Lao Tzu quote each day certainly helped calm the nerves – “If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present”. I wanted to be present and enjoy my life. So, I let go a lot of the time but Bob rudely interrupts, like the end of a bungee cord yanking me back forcing me to look down and hang mid air with the blood rushing to my face, begging to be pulled back.
It started as a daily meditation to breath and let go, and Jack has the patience of a saint. It has extended to longer periods but I say this as I’m sat at my parents house having run away again.
How do you rewire your brain to stop the thoughts and actually just be? It certainly isn’t easy and surely I’m not the only one.